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This is a transcript of the Batman: The Animated Series episode "Christmas With the Joker" from season one, which aired on November 13, 1992. It is divided into major dialogue sections for better comprehension.


CHRISTMAS IN ARKHAM ASYLUM; SINGING "JINGLE BELLS"

  • Inmates: Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh! Hey!
  • Joker: Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay!

(Joker climbs the rocket Christmas tree and escapes from Arkham)

  • Joker:Crashing through the roof, in a one-horse open tree. Busting out I go, laughing all the wheeeee! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

CHRISTMAS' EVE ON THE BATCAVE

  • Robin: Come on, Batman, it's Christmas Eve. Let's kick back and get into the spirit.
  • Batman: The Joker's escaped from Arkham Asylum, Robin.
  • Robin: And you really think he's gonna make his move on Christmas Eve? Even scum spend the holidays with their families.
  • Batman: He has no family.
  • Robin: Okay, I'll make a deal with you. If we go out on patrol, and Gotham is quiet, with no sign of the Joker, we come back here, have Christmas dinner, and watch It's A Wonderful Life.
  • Batman: You know, I've never seen that. I could never get past the title.
  • Robin: It's a deal then?
  • Batman: Deal.

BATMAN AND ROBIN PATROL GOTHAM CITY

THE CITY IS VERY QUIET AND CALM

  • Robin: Doesn't it warm your heart to see everyone in the spirit of Christmas? (Batman silently leaves) Oh, "Bah humbug" to you too!...You just can't believe there's no use for us for one night!

THEY SPOT A MYSTERIOUS MAN APPROACHING AN OLD LADY

  • Batman: There! (Batman gets closer to the street)
  • "Mysterious Man": Hey lady, hold up! -- You dropped this package a couple of blocks back! (Gives the lady her package)
  • "Old Lady": Oh; It's for my grandson! Thanks, so much! (kisses the man in the cheek) Merry Christmas!
  • Robin: Now, can we go home? (Batman leaves silently, again) He could give lessons to Scrooge!

BACK IN WAYNE MANOR

  • Alfred: The Christmas' goose will be ready shortly.
  • Bruce: Y'know, we really should have done one more sweep of the city.
  • Dick: Now just relax, Bruce. You're gonna love 'It's A Wonderful Life'; it's a great movie.
  • Bruce: It's not relentlessly cheerful, is it?
  • Dick: No, it's about how much of a difference one man can make to a city. Sound familiar?

DICK TURNS THE TV ON AND A MYSTERIOUS SHOW IS AIRING ON ALL THE CHANNELS

  • Dick: Aahh...wrong channel...some kind of Christmas Special...(keeps changing channels)
  • Narrator (Joker): "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be seen this year. In it's place is the following:
  • Joker: Joker here! Greetings Gotham and Merry Christmas! I hope you're watching, Batman, this one's for you...Ha Ha Ha Ha --- HA HA HA HA HA!

JOKER'S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL SHOW

  • Joker: Live from Gotham City! The show that nobody wants to see, but everyone will watch! Yes, it's 'Christmas With The Joker'!!! -- And now, let's welcome our host, the clown prince of crime, The Joker!! -- Greetings from Gotham City! And welcome to the first annual "Christmas with the Joker"! --(audio tape track cheering) Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, very much! Have I got a show for you tonight. Is loaded with surprises and mystery guests and Christmas (jeer?)

WATCHING JOKER ON THE BATCAVE

  • Robin: Well Batman, you were sure right about the Joker. Any leads?
  • Batman: I've accessed Gotham's Electrical Main Frame, and I'm zeroing in on the power surges to pinpoint the location of Joker's broadcast signal. (A red point appears on screen) That's it!
  • Robin: Idunno, Batman. It seems to easy.
  • Batman: It's never easy with the Joker.

JOKER GIVES BATMAN A MESSAGE

  • Joker: Oh, Batman!?! J hope you're watching, cuz I have a very special surprise for you...--Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.
  • Laughtrack: Yeah!
  • Joker: (sadly) And since I don't have one of my own...
  • Laughtrack: Aww...
  • Joker: (wickedly) I decided to steal one!
  • Laughtrack: Yeah!
  • Joker: And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family!

LIGHTS TURN ON AND REVEAL GORDON, SUMMER, AND BULLOCK TIED UP AND GAGGED

  • Joker: Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?

ON THE BATMOBILE

  • Batman: It's never easy with the Joker.

ON JOKER'S SHOW

  • Joker: Meet Daddy Lawful! (takes the gag from Gordon)
  • Gordon: You diseased maniac! I'll--(puts gag back) mhmmphm!
  • Joker: Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! (takes the gag from Summer)
  • Summer: Help! Somebody please help us--(puts gag back) mhmmphm!
  • Joker: Ho ho ho isn't she jolly. And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! (takes gag from Bullock)
  • Bullock: When I get my hands on you I'll rip your--(puts back gag) mhmmphm!
  • Joker: I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them if he can find them by midnight!...Otherwise (Joker cuts his neck with his finger) Ha Ha Ha HAHAHAHA!!

LAFFY AND THE BLOWED UP BRIDGE

ON THE BATMOBILE

  • Batman: Hold tight, we're almost there.

APPEAR ON TV

  • Laffy (Joker's Hand disguised as elf): Hi! I'm Laffy. Joker's helper little elf. I'm here to present Batman with a very special Christmas surprise!
  • Robin: Uh-oh, here it comes...
  • Laffy: Jee Joker, it's so nice of you to get bat-breath a present.
  • Joker: Ho ho! I'm just that kind of guy.

APPROACHING A MODEL ON STAGE

  • Laffy: It's an exact replica of Gotham City!
  • Joker: It has everything, even train and bridges.
  • Laffy: Bridges? I just love blowing up bridges!
  • Joker: Well, in that case lets go live to Donner & Blitzen at the presidents bridge. (Approaches to the TV) Greetings Donner; how about singing us a merry tune while you blow up the bridge.
  • Donner and Blitzen: Sure boss. (start singing Joker's version of Jingle Bells)

THE BRIDGE IS DESTROYED WITH EXPLOSIVES BY DONNER AND BLITZEN

  • Laffy: That was great!
  • Joker: The fun has just begun...the 11:30 train will be along any minute.

BATMAN TURNS THE BATMOBILE AND HEAD TO THE DESTROYED BRIDGE

  • Robin: We've got to stop that train!

SUMMER STARTS MUMBLING WHILE GAGGED

  • Joker: Oh look Laffy, mommy Lawful has something to say.
  • Laffy: What's up, mommy? (goes to Summer and takes her gag)
  • Summer: My mother's on that train!
  • Joker: Your mother? Well, that's different then! (puts the gag back)
  • Laffy: Yeah! It'll be more exciting when it crashes! Ha ha haha hahaha

BATMAN DRIVES THE BATMOBILE NEXT TO THE TRAIN AND SETS IT ON AUTOPILOT

  • Batman: (talking to Robin) You uncouple the passenger carts, I'll get the engineer (Batman and Robin climb the train)

BATMAN OPENS THE WINDOW OF THE MAIN WAGON

  • Batman: (To the engineer) Bridge is out, come on!

BATMAN AND ROBIN SAVE THE PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN AND PREVENT IT FROM CRASHING

  • Laffy: Bah! Humbug! I hate Batman and Robin.
  • Joker: Then let's get rid of them. (Pushes a button and destroys the carboard audience of his show)
  • Laffy: (as pieces of cuboard fall down) Oh boy, let's build a snowman! (Joker laughs)

THE OBSERVATORY ATTACK

BATMAN CUTS THE SIGNAL FROM THE TV ON THE BATMOBILE

  • Batman: We've isolated the signal from Joker's broadcast. It's coming from the Observatory in Mount Gotham.

BATMAN AND ROBIN ARRIVE AT THE OBSERVATORY

  • Batman: (They spot a giant gift) There! The radar antenna.
  • Robin: What's that?
  • Batman: Careful, Robin. I'm sure there's more to this than meets the eye.

A GIANT CLOWN IN THE BOK COMES OUT OF THE GIFT

  • Joker: Merry Christmas, Batman! I'm so glad you could join us.
  • Batman: What's your game, Joker?
  • Joker: Oh, just a little holiday entertainment, Batman! -- I'm sure all the folks at home will enjoy sharing this special occasion. -- Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Live, from the top of Mount Gotham. The death of Batman! -- (Cannon starts shooting at Batman and Robin) When you care enough, to send a very blast! - We'll return in just a moment, but first a word from our sponsor!

CANNON KEEPS SHOOTING AT THE DUO

  • Batman: Robin! Try and get inside the observatory, I'll draw its fire.

BATMAN MAKES THE CANNON DESTROY THE ANTENNA FROM JOKER'S BROADCAST

  • Joker: Oops! Looks like we're experiencing technical difficulties...but don't worry folks; we're still on the air. -- Oh no! Our cannon seems to be out of control! Gotham City could be in serious danger! (Cannon starts shooting everywhere in the city)

ROBIN GETS INSIDE THE OBSERVATORY AND DESTROYS 5 OF 6 JOKER MACHINE GUNS

  • Robin: (using a radio) Batman! Robin here!
  • Batman: Robin, operation cause and (evact)
  • Robin: Gotcha!

ROBIN USES A GRENADE TO DESTROY THE CANNON AND GETS OUTSIDE

  • Robin: Batman?
  • Batman: I'm fine, but we're not any closer to find Joker's hideout.
  • Robin: What's our next move?
  • Batman: To be quite honest, I don't know.

FINAL SHOWDOWN

BATMAN AND ROBIN IN THE BATMOBILE

  • Robin: Batman, it's almost midnight! We have to do something!
  • Batman: It's up to the Joker now. Only a miracle can save the hostages.

TURNS ON TV TO CATCH UP WITH JOKER

  • Mr. Angry Face (Joker's chin disguised and upside-down): Ggrrr...where's that bat fella?! And that Robin, tho?? UUhh they're gonna spoil my Christmas, what's the matta! Can't they figure anything out? Time's up, I'm robbin everybody out at midnight.
  • Joker: But wait! We have another present to open! Let's not keep mommy Lawful waiting! (Donner takes Summer to Joker, in front of a big present) Too bad Batman is such a party-pooper, maybe he doesn't know how to get here! ALL dressed up, with nowhere to go...Well, I wonder what mommy Lawful is getting for Christmas!? (Summer opens the gift) Uh hu hu hu! The suspense is killing me! Is it...?-gasp-...Can it be...? OH YES! It's a Betty Blooper doll! And what do Betty Blooper dolls do? (Puts the doll on the Gotham model) Why, you just wind them up and they wreack havoc on Gotham City! HAHAHAHAHAHAH
  • Robin: I haven't seen one of those dolls in years!
  • Batman: They don't make dolls like that anymore. Not since the Laffco Toy Factory went out of business, 14 years ago. (searches for the location) 3rd and main, Downtown.

BATMAN AND ROBIN GET INSIDE THE FACTORY

  • Batman: Look sharp, Robin!

(Joker laughs as he starts the Nutcracker Suit in the factory)

  • Robin: Where's that music coming from?
  • Batman: Good question!

(Joker keeps laughing as he activates the robot toys in the factory)

  • Batman: Lookout!

THEY ELIMINATE THE ROBOTS BUT TOY PLANES COME AT THEM

  • Batman: Stay ready! More on the way!

BATMAN PICKS UP A BAT

  • Batman: Stand clear, Robin!

BATMAN DESTROYS THE TOYS WITH THE BAT

  • Robin: They don't call you batman for nothing!

DONNER AND BLITZEN START SHOOTING AT THEM

  • Batman: Snipers!

BATMAN HIDES BEHIND GIANT TEDDY BEARS

  • Donner: Where'd he go?

BATMAN'S CAPE APPEARS

  • Blitzen: There he is! (They start shooting again)

A GIANT TEDDY BEAR FALLS ON THEM

  • Donner and Blitzen: Uh...UH??...whoaa, lookout!
  • Teddy Bear: I love you very much.

BATMAN RETRIEVES HIS CAPE AND JOINS ROBIN

  • Batman: Keep your eyes open for the Joker.

JOKER OPEN SOME CURTIANS REVEALING HIMSELF AND THE HOSTAGES IN DANGER

  • Joker: I'll save you the trouble, Batman. Come and get your Christmas present, or the kiddies get it.
  • Batman: Let them go, Joker. It's me you want!
  • Joker: Merry Christmas, Batman! (tosses the present to Batman) Well, come on...open it!
  • Robin: Don't do it, Batman!
  • Batman: Easy, Robin.

BATMAN OPENS THE PRESENT AND GETS A PIE IN THE FACE

  • Joker: HAHAHAHAHAHAHa----I can't stand it....

BATMAN SAVES THE HOSTAGES

  • Batman: Robin, take care of them!

JOKER ESCAPES FROM BATMAN

  • Joker: Run, run as fast as you can, you'll not catch me, I'm the Jokerman....(runs into a rollerblade and almost falls to his death)
  • Batman: (catches the Joker and pranks him with letting him fall) Merry Christmas, Joker.
  • Joker: Bah! Humbug!

BACK TO NORMALITY

IN WAYNE MANOR, BRUCE AND DICK FINISH "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE"

  • Alfred: It was nice of Commissioner Gordon to give you that recording of "It's a Wonderful Life".
  • Dick: And it is a wonderful life.
  • Bruce: It...has its moments.

LOCKED IN HIS CELL IN ARKHAM ASYLUM WEARING A STRAIGHT JACKET

  • Joker: (singing "Tis The Season To Be Jolly in a deranged way)---Merry Christmas....

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